Have you ever been in that situation when it came time to “have the talk” or DTR (Define the Relationship)?
I’ve had it a few times in my life. It’s not a comfy thing for me to do. But in each situation, I’m glad I did. It helped me get clearer on who I am and what I want and how this other person plays into that (or not).
A couple of years ago, I realized that I needed to have this conversation with someone who I had known for a very long time and who had been with me through thick and thin — my ego.
And I can tell you, it’s not easy. But having a clearer understanding of our dynamic has made my life so much easier.
We all have an ego.
And our ego has played an important role since a very young age. It helped protect us from this big, bad world when we were at a place in our development when we needed it most.
And like with any relationship, there comes a time when we need to take a closer look at it.
We get to a point when we realize the ego no longer serves us.
So how do we let the ego down easy and reclaim our relationship with our self?
Recognize its individuality.
The ego loves to talk. A lot. The first place we can notice our ego is in our thoughts. And by the very nature of observation, when we can observe our thoughts (our ego) then we can be confident that we are separate from it.
When we recognize that we are not our ego, the conversation gets a whole lot easier.
Give it some love.
The ego just wants to be seen and heard. It wants to be acknowledged. So go ahead and give it what it wants. Say “thank you for sharing” when it butts in and gives advice on how to respond to that text message or comments on that woman’s attitude.
The ego isn’t trying to be a jerk — it just doesn’t know any better.
Next time the ego interferes, give it a wink and a smile.
Learn what matters to it most.
The ego gets its sense of self by identifying with all sorts of things — thoughts, labels, roles, material possessions. Remember, it is trying to protect us and is doing the best job it can to make sure we are okay. So it latches on to anything it thinks will make life better. Sadly, it doesn’t know that we are already okay. Take note of what it identifies with most — the car, the role as leader, the label of “shy,” the thought “I could never do that.”
Trying to force the ego to let go of attachments is impossible — but as awareness grows, the attachments will begin to drop away because we start to notice that we are separate from all these things.
Get to know its patterns.
The ego uses some incredible strategies to help us out in situations that seem scary or uncomfortable. Maybe the ego withdraws each time it finds itself feeling attacked. Or perhaps the ego puffs up its chest and yells at someone who confronts it.
Take note of these tendencies — they are just a way for the ego to help make sure we feel okay.
The next time the ego wants to crack a joke in a stressful situation, don’t say anything and notice what happens. I can pretty much guarantee that you will still be standing and completely unharmed.
Once we understand that we are okay without the ego’s help, then we are stepping into our truly awakened self.
Now the ego is pretty tenacious. (Some women wish more men were this way.) And just because we have this conversation once doesn’t mean it’s going to go away.
Having an ego is a part of life. Redefining the relationship with the ego is enlightenment. {Tweet That!}
What is one pattern you observe your ego doing in moments of stress or conflict? Share in the comments below and serve as an inspiration of self-observation to others.
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